And I go back to...

I am sorry its taken me a while to post I have been trying to figure out what to even say at this point.
I am back in utah trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life. I went to new jersey with hope that I really would make a good nanny, and that I would be taking a step in the right direction but I wasnt prepared for it. I didnt have enough experience even though I told them I did, I couldnt make it real. I am now feeling pretty embarrassed.. I am almost 5 months clean and I keep hoping Ill find the right path.
I know I shouldnt have lied to them, I really do, I just didnt want them to think less of me.
I think in the past I have done crazy things but they were always for drugs, or boys I really just wanted to make my life better. I realize now that I have to start at the base and get a job than work up. I think I am going to start school maybe that will bring some direction. to be honest Ive never felt more directionless than now. but I know that I cant just give up. A best friend once told me. Life is about how fast you can get back to good. I am working on that. I have been so scared to call the family because of how stupid I feel. I mean what do I say?  Where do I even begin?
I think I need a life coach or something just some help to guide me to where I need to be in life because honestly I have know idea. Please dont give up on me.
I know you guys are probably thinking what the hell but I really need your guys love and support and advice. I know I've disapointed you guys but I  hope you guys can still be there for me because its really what I need most. I love you guys and I really am sorry for letting you down, I cant promise I wont do it ever again but I can promise I am trying. and hopefully someday we can all look back at these times and laugh because we will all be better off and happy.

Tales All

I talked to a willow tree she said that they were planning to come to our planet and that we all needed to start training if we wanted to stand a chance of remaining free. She began to explain that the they were completely different from us, they communicated telepathically and had the ability to get in our minds without us even knowing, they can plant thoughts and control Human technology many of them have taken human souls as hosts. What do they want with us? None of us are really sure. I asked the Tree where I could get this training, she said it would be a long journey and that I would have to travel alone, she told me of a house in a village across the sea where I would find an alchemist who would begin my training. I would need to bring her a root only found in the deepest forest. I would need to find it, for that I needed to find a tribe that lives in these forests. I would need to live with the tribe and learn from them for they were wise and had very spiritual rituals that would help me pull on the earth for energy to stand against them. She told me id know when the time is right to leave and that I would know where to go. She said the spirits would guide me if I listened.  I just need to leave head into the wilderness and go forth. And if I ever get lost the trees would guide me if I called upon them. 

never thought Id say it

But I am definitely home sick.
Dont get me wrong I love this opportunity and Im glad I am here but lately Ive been missing my life, The People, The coffee shops, and the ability to "Get wild"
I read in a lot of nanny books and even talking to other nannys they have told me that the first month is the hardest and that it is normal to think "Im not cut out for this" but to keep going that it gets easier.
My kids still dont listen and they fight with each other all the time. I have started reading books on how to change behaviors in children. And hopefully I will see results. I think the problem is they are very spoiled and when they freak out and scream there parents just give them what they want. which isnt helpful because then I am the bad guy ha.
I dont know I just really hope things get better. I know I need to have patience and wait it out. but some days I am all but ready to pack my bags and come home.
I know thats dramatic.
I got this laptop yesterday I am sure Ill be blogging more!