And I go back to...

I am sorry its taken me a while to post I have been trying to figure out what to even say at this point.
I am back in utah trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life. I went to new jersey with hope that I really would make a good nanny, and that I would be taking a step in the right direction but I wasnt prepared for it. I didnt have enough experience even though I told them I did, I couldnt make it real. I am now feeling pretty embarrassed.. I am almost 5 months clean and I keep hoping Ill find the right path.
I know I shouldnt have lied to them, I really do, I just didnt want them to think less of me.
I think in the past I have done crazy things but they were always for drugs, or boys I really just wanted to make my life better. I realize now that I have to start at the base and get a job than work up. I think I am going to start school maybe that will bring some direction. to be honest Ive never felt more directionless than now. but I know that I cant just give up. A best friend once told me. Life is about how fast you can get back to good. I am working on that. I have been so scared to call the family because of how stupid I feel. I mean what do I say?  Where do I even begin?
I think I need a life coach or something just some help to guide me to where I need to be in life because honestly I have know idea. Please dont give up on me.
I know you guys are probably thinking what the hell but I really need your guys love and support and advice. I know I've disapointed you guys but I  hope you guys can still be there for me because its really what I need most. I love you guys and I really am sorry for letting you down, I cant promise I wont do it ever again but I can promise I am trying. and hopefully someday we can all look back at these times and laugh because we will all be better off and happy.